That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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