UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Randomize
