he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
