I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
