My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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