he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
