getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
