I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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