then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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