the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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