Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
