end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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