im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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