After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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