Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
