Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
