yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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