Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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