It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
