on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
