I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
