Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
