It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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