Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
