Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
