I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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