connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
