I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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