Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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