I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
