I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
