Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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