My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
