I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
