So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
