im having a threesome with these popsicles
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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