Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
