I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
