I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
