Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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