Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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