please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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