i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
