My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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