I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
