You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
