So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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