It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
