the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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