Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
