i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
