I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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