I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
