I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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