I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i dont even know how to be here
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
