She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
