Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
