I'm really into asian looking animals
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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