anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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