Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
