Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
