I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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