i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
