Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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