remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
