Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
