Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
