can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
