I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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