I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
