I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
